I have heard the Songbird

Tonight as I lay in my bed for hours, awake with an awful migraine like so many other nights, the Lord prompted my heart to get up and write. I crawled out of bed, found my sweet bible and my journal, read Zephaniah about the Lord quieting Jerusalem with His love and rejoicing over her with singing, and I wrote. This is not the style of poetry that I usually write in and this poem in particular is very vulnerable, but what’s the point of writing if vulnerability and honesty are lacking?

I have known the distance and hindrances of fear

I’ve danced in muddy waters and believed that they were clear
I’ve traveled through the valleys of death and endless grief

I’ve wandered on the mountains where sorrows never cease

I’ve made friends with isolation and shaken hands with lies
I’ve known the separation of broken earth and holy sky
I’ve wallowed in self-pity and been blinded by my pain
And I have heard the Songbird sing my broken name

I have known the comfort and the peace of heaven’s voice
In quietness and stillness and with gladness i’ve rejoiced
I’ve run on highest places and bounded on loves hills
I’ve witnessed sacred violence when the accuser’s come to steal

I’ve clung to hope and promise and have known a lovesick gaze
I’ve been carried through deep darkness and been lifted when i’ve swayed

I’ve seen chains release my ankles and have bid farewell to shame

And I have heard the Songbird sing my broken name

Songbird, O Songbird, You’ve sung Your healing rhyme

Over and over, time after time

More Than Just A Season

This summer will be different for me than any previous summer of my life. Reason being that I am not doing anything. At all. Nothing. I am not working with ATC, not working with SMI, not working with ERI, not working for CEC, and not helping with any other camp. I am simply going to be in the prayer room and love the Lord and receive His love for me. I will have no major responsibilities, no rigorous tasks, no leadership position, and no one relying on me to lead them in any way. When the Lord started moving upon my heart related to this I was a little scared and nervous as I thought about what my summer would look like. It’s a little weird for me to sit in that prayer room every morning and watch hundreds of teens come rolling in realizing that I am not involved with them in any major way, at all. Scary? Yes. Weird? Most definitely. But good and necessary? Completely. Of course the questions roll in, “What are you doing”, “Where are you going”, “Are you going to get a job”, “How come you’re just in the prayer room”, and so on and so forth. The questions are fine, they don’t bother me that much, I am just glad that the Lord has spoken to me a ton this year about my identity and my place of standing before Him in the house of prayer as a Mary of Bethany, an Anna, and a Watchman on the wall.

Over the past month, maybe two, I have really been thinking about how I don’t want this desire in my heart to be wholehearted, completely abandoned, and completely given over to intercession and worship to be just “a good season” of my life that I one day look back on and miss. I sat in the prayer room this afternoon with tears in my eyes begging the Lord that it would not be so. Pleading with Him and asking Him for grace upon grace that this posture of my heart, setting of my life, and longing of my soul would be so much more than just a season! I want to be an intercessor forever. I want to be an Anna forever! I want to be a Mary of Bethany forever! I want the very things that move and burn in my heart right now to intensify and forever pull me forward into the depths of the heart of God! I never want my love to become a memory. When I signed up to do this whole radical, fully given, fasted lifestyle, one gaze, one goal, one vision, one thing, one dream thing, I really meant it with all of my heart! The Lord inscribed Psalm 27:4 upon my heart and I never once looked back, ever. I actually want to do this! I want it to be said of me at the end of my life that I KNEW God, that I poured out my heart in worship and prayer and spent long hours gazing and dwelling in the temple of the Lord. I want it to be said of me that I loved my husband well and served him as I serve Jesus and that I poured out all of my heart, all of my soul, and all of my life that my children would actually know Jesus and be one with Him. I never want my love to become a memory or my song to be silenced or my tears to stop falling. Granted, life will look different as I marry and have babies, but I know with all of my heart that there will always be grace for me to do that which the Lord has placed deep inside of my soul. He’s the LOVER OF MY SOUL. That means that He loves my mind, soul, will, and emotions. He loves my makeup and He ACTUALLY designed me this way. I don’t have to be afraid that He will suddenly whisk me away to a deserted island to live a rigorous, difficult, lonely life, far removed from anyone or anything so that He is somehow more sure that I am actually”radical”. He formed my heart and I can trust that He will lead me the way that He has designed me!

The questions will come and the questions will go.
The opinions will come and the opinions will go.
Whether all of the world looks at my lifestyle and my PURPOSELY wasted life and calls it foolishness or not, i’m doing it.

Why? Love compels me.
More than a season, more than a nice idea, more than hype, this is my story. 

Peace that comes in believing Him

Last night, at 12 am, I danced in a field, alone, because I wanted to. I felt the earth drawing me and inviting me to come and take a walk and though I was tired, I could not refuse. As I was walking to the park where I was planning on swinging I kept hearing in my heart and in my head, “He will not long refuse those who love Him.” I sat on that swing while the wind, in all of it’s zeal, whipped about me. I was listening to a song by Natasha Koppy/Gentry and singing, “In the wind you’re waiting, you are always waiting. Waiting for me, waiting with me.” Before I knew it, my feet were on the ground and my hands were in the air. I danced and danced in that wide open field. My heart was bursting, and as I watched my shadow dance with me, I was overwhelmed with the reality of a God who sees in secret. I felt His nearness so strongly that I was almost afraid and I stopped. “You’re so real, and I believe you”, is what I kept saying. When I finally started walking home the Lord was softly whispering to me about the way that He beholds my heart in the secret place.

When the words of man fail to comfort my soul and all of the advice in the world falls short of bringing me peace, He is my hope.

God of hope, give us the peace that comes in believing you.

Hallelujah; for the Lamb has loved me

“Just give me the gift of a tender heart.”
I probably ask that of Jesus more than I ask for most things.
If He so desperately chose to embrace the depths of pain and to clothe Himself in the ache of love, then SURELY there is grace for me to do so!

A song arose in my heart today.
It was a familiar song.
One that has burst through my soul before.

I wept as it bubbled inside of me, wept as it poured forth from my lips, wept as it reached my aching ears. The song of my surrender, the song of my hope. There it was again, the hunger that I so long to leave me undone at the end of every day. It returned! It was heavy! It was overwhelming! Oh, how I sighed with gratitude. My longing was back! My deep feelings! My gift of weeping! My brokenness was back! I was back. I sobbed and sobbed as lyric after lyric, song after song, quote after quote began to take my heart – its pen – and use it to scribble the most wonderful truths inside of me.

I left EGS with a blessed heart to head over to a bonfire for Chrissy Styles. She leaves in the morning, to go back to Fredricksburg, returning once again to a place far away from my heart. I always leave goodbye parties in tears. I wait until I am safely tucked away in my room and then I weep, oh I weep! I am always comforted though, knowing, that the heart of the Lord is wounded with an ever greater wound than I could ever imagine bearing. His heart is much more pained over the separation that is presently His daily reality, the disconnect in totality from His friends. He gets it! This emotional, broken, tender, feeling heart that He has given me is just that, the heart that He has given me. Is it possible to comfort the heart of Jesus? If so, I say, as long as you weep, I will weep with you Jesus. There is a day that the tears of pain will meet their end! There has to be.

Oh for the day that you return Jesus, oh for the day. 

Hasten the day?

It’s true Lord, things are not okay until you return.

Until the Lord of glory, fully God, fully man steps foot on this earth again things will never be right.  Bodies will still be sick, hearts will still be broken. Souls will still be tormented, women will still be abused. Babies will still be aborted, the poor will still be ignored. Children will still be forgotten, the earth will still groan. I will still have a gaping hole in my heart for the rest of my existence, until righteousness is established and I function the way that I was designed to. It is easy,  in our zeal, to believe that we actually long for the return of Jesus more than He longs to come back, but that is not so. I really do have hope. He really is coming for me. Lord, hasten the day when my faith shall be sight.

I have more decisions to make right now than I feel like I have ever had to make in my life. It’s terrifying, and honestly, really frustrating. If you know me you know that I have a very conflicted soul, a very emotional heart. I am always thinking, always feeling, always questioning. Yeah yeah, just like the rest of humanity.

If He doesn’t come for me then surely I have no hope.
If He does not uphold me then surely I will go down to the pit.

I was meditating/crying/screaming these verses to the Lord in the prayer room this morning.

Psalm 18:16
“He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters.”

Psalm 18:18
“They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support.”

Psalm 18:28
“For it is you who light my lamp, the Lord my God lightens my darkness.”

Psalm 18:36
“YOU GAVE A WIDE PLACE for steps under me, but my feet did not slip.”

Whatever the details of tomorrow look like and whatever my service before His friends unfolds to be, He is for me. And because He is for me, I am succsessful!

Goodbye All Things Delicious

As some of you may know, I have severe wheat and gluten intolerance. It has a lovely name – Celiac Disease. I have had constant/chronic migraine-headaches for years. When I was a child I got headaches often and ibuprofen, aspirin, Excedrin, and prayer use to work. Now nothing does! I am not saying that I do not believe one hundred percent that the heart of the Lord is to completely heal me, I am just saying that He hasn’t yet. Since June of 2010 i’ve had a constant headache in the back of my head, neck, and on the sides of my head. It is ever-present, always throbbing, always pounding, always haunting. The headaches often culminate throughout the week leaving me with debilitating migraines and I usually end up finding myself in bed, lights out, with zero noise at least three days out of the week. It has been extremely difficult to handle, especially being in FSM. I’ve learned how to ignore the constant pain very well, but there are days, like today, when the pain has its way and my only option is submitting. Anyway, there are tons of other aches, pains, and symptoms in my body that i’ve dealt with for a long time, not really paying much attention to. I knew that my body was always sick and that I was always in pain, but I never thought that I might have a “disease”.  It’s annoying that my favorite foods include spaghetti and lots of bread and that I can’t eat those things anymore unless I want to be doubled over in pain and sick. It’s been about two or three weeks since I started suspecting that this is what I had and I went to a family doctor to get checked out. It’s not just that “I can’t eat anything yummy” anymore, it’s that I have to completely change my life-style. Being gluten free is more expensive, takes more time and thought in meal planning, and is a painful transition for your body at first. Either way my body is going to be in pain, so I am going to choose the “pain of healing” right now if it means that my silly little intestine will start to heal itself. 

“Following a gluten-free diet allows the small intestine to heal. But that doesn’t mean the person can start eating gluten again. For someone with celiac disease, gluten will always irritate the intestines and, if this happens, stomachaches, and other problems will return.”

So, here I am. I have months and months of healing to go through and lots of yummy things to deny. I am finding this ridiculously hard right now but I know that the leadership of the Lord is perfect in every area of my life, even in the area of my small intestine. (: Pray for me if you think about it! I definitely need it.

You will see me through, like you always do

Lack nothing in love?

“If we give Him all today, then today, we lack nothing in love.”

Stop! Wait a second. Say what? It is possible to lack nothing in love? I was reading a book by one of my favorites – Dana Candler – and my eyes fell upon this statement. At first I read it and said to myself, “of course”. I then stopped and read it again and my heart literally leapt from its very place! “Give Him all today, and today, nothing will be lacking in love.” Nothing can be lacking where everything is given! The reality is almost offensive. What a beautiful truth that I am so glad found its way to my heart and seated itself there! If I love Him with all of my heart, all of my words, every intention, and the utmost sincerity then I lack nothing in love. Who is this God? Who is this man who has made a way for us to love him so completely, so wholeheartedly, with such abandonment?

The major thing that has been weighing heavy on my heart and my mind is love. How predictable, right? Yeah, you would suppose so. It is very different with me though. The Lord allows my heart to be offended, wounded, forgotten. He purposely allows me to feel the sting of rejection and loneliness to press me into the very depths of who He is! Through feeling ‘unloved’ He is teaching me how to love and how to truly lay my life down for those around me. Not just for those that I really admire, not for the ones I really esteem. Not just for those that i’m really fond of and the ones that I adore. But for those who have no home, have no friends, have no heart to confide in. Those are the ones He is teaching me how to love and embrace! Why? Because He already has. I heard someone say the other day that pain has no power. When you first think about I am sure that it sounds fantastic and like a really awesome idea, but it couldn’t be more disconnected from the truth. Pain IS power! Pain leaves us empty-handed, broken, longing, aching, reaching, and seeking. It leaves us vulnerable! If pain had no power then the scandalous death of God on the cross and all of His pain – including agony of the heart and soul – wouldn’t have had nearly as much significance! If Jesus didn’t fight, sweat, cry, suffer, and bleed that He could have all of us then would the intensity and commitment of His love have been fully proved? Would we have been so convinced? The Lord is wise in allowing us to feel pain, it keeps us running into Him.

I feel like we go through seasons here at IHOP where lots of new people come and lots of old people go. It is always, every time, a rough transition for me. Every time someone leaves and even when someone new comes it is as if I hear the Lord whispering to my heart, “Will you give way to love again?” How painfully glorious! I am so blessed by the major prophetic dreams that He has so graciously been giving to me in an increased way lately. I don’t know a lot about a lot of things but I do know one thing, I am Anna. The Lord invited me to stand, serve, minister, and burn before Him in the context of night and day worship and prayer almost seven years ago. He absolutely wounded me with a passion for the house of prayer! This year, more so than other years, I feel so much accusation and guilt almost in being called to dwell in the house of the Lord/prayer all the days of my life. It’s been a battle! A bloody, messy, beautiful battle. The truth is I am called to the house of prayer, and TO THIS HOUSE OF PRAYER! And that’s okay! People are going to come and people are going to go. Those who started out thinking they wanted to be an Anna will eventually be convinced otherwise and I suppose that is the will of the Lord for them, but for me, I know where I am supposed to be. As I type this I am laughing to myself! Just a month ago I was in utter pain, turmoil, and agony over this very thing that the Lord has now given me confidence in. The enemy would have me believe that I didn’t actually hear the Lord when He called me to the house of prayer. He would like for me to believe that I could never really know the will of God for my life and that if I want to be in this house of prayer then my heart doesn’t really burn for the prayer movement. None of it is true! But oh how true it feels when you are in the midst of it. When I first heard about the prayer movement, intercession, and the Anna anointing I thought that everyone who was involved in a house of prayer felt the calling to be an Anna for all of their days.

Yeah, it’s not true.

Everyone is called to intercession and beholding and blessing the Lord, but not everyone is called to wasting their life at the feet of the Lord in intercession and in devotion for extended periods of time a day in the context of night and day worship and prayer. I am so excited that He has invited me into this! It’s OKAY to know who I am before the Lord and to embrace the deepest longings and desires of my heart because He has made me this way. It is rare, it’s different, it’s the embracing a lifestyle of pure dependency, BUT IT’S ME! The Lord hit me in the face with a revelation about Anna the prophetess/intercessor some time last week. It is this – Before Jesus was born there were not 200, nor 100, nor 50, nor 20, or even 10 people fasting and praying, not departing from the temple night and day for 70+ years. THERE WAS ONLY ONE! There was ONE woman that the Lord had specifically called in that way, and one woman who was assigned to be the intercessor before the birth of Jesus. When this hit me I wept and laughed and rejoiced! Missions is necessary and there will be times when I go love on the widow, the broken, and the precious orphan in other nations, but how MUCH MORE can I benefit them in the place of intercession?! The nations are in need of truth, knowledge, and intimacy with Jesus. That includes ALL nations, and America, in fact, is still a nation. So many of us want to go and to be sent but I think that we sometimes forget that this nation, who so believes that they love and know God, is in need of just as much Jesus as Africa. I am in no way condemning those who feel called to the ‘nations’. I am just saying that this is what the Lord spoke to my heart to affirm me in who I am before Him! Can I dare say that though there may not be 200, not 100, not 50, not 20, maybe not even 10 who stay and dwell in the house of prayer until Jesus returns, I will? I dare say it! I will stand, serve, minister, and burn until you return Jesus! Here, until you split the sky, I will love you in the way that you are worthy of being loved. 

My heart is also bubbling with joy over birth, babies, and all things life!
I am super excited to start taking midwifery classes eventually, but I will take another day to tell you all about that.

Tonight I have the privilege of going to bed with hope, peace, and affirmation in my heart. 

As David would say, “I’M GOING TO DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE!!!!”

LOVE IS MY INHERITANCE

Wrecking Ball of Love

What do you do with two hours left before you have to get out of bed and head into the prayer room at 6am with a heart that refuses to calm down and be silent? Well, I write.

More than anything, at the end of my life, I will be thoroughly convinced of the kindness and perfect leadership of my friend Jesus. The reason why I know that so well is because He constantly allows a wrecking ball of love to make it’s way through my timid soul. No matter the season, whatever the day, He is committed to my heart coming alive and abounding in fullness! When I say timid soul, I really mean timid. My soul is so prone to fear, anxiety, and rejection. I think that most days I believe that He is more against me than He is for me. One day I won’t. One day my soul will be persuaded and my eyes will be open, I will be convinced of love, I will be convinced of His commitment to me. I’m not going to will myself there nor imagine that I am somehow already there. I am going to lasso my soul by daily agreeing with truth and with His Word and drag it along for the ride. It’s going to be broken and ugly, painful and glorious, but you just watch, i’m GOING to come up leaning.

I got a prophetic word from a friend recently that was truly the Word of the Lord for me.

—

‘Trisha, I feel like the Lord is really expanding your understanding of the season that you are in. The challenges, struggles, and pain that you are fighting through with the Lord is going to impart truth into your heart that you are going to be able to stand on for the rest of your life. He sees how difficult this season is and He is teaching you aspects of His heart that you are going to be able to use in both song and in ministry. He is going to give you an eternal perspective of where you are at right now.’

Yeah Jesus, You’re not out to bruise me nor to quench me.
I’m going to lean.

Dripping Soul

Is it true you’d still sing if desire clipped your wings
and hope held your heart in it’s grip?
Would you believe that tomorrow is free of the sorrow
if the pain of your soul never dripped?

For you say that you know, let me ask if that’s so
why the light in your eyes is now fading?
Once you dared to believe and you gave everything
were you convinced that you’d be free of waiting?

We hope and we ache for the silence to break
is our beauty not found in the wrestle?
Until love’s perfected and the heart resurrected
should we not seek to be empty vessels?

The feelings of tonight

The wrestle of my heart that I shared in my last blog post is indeed still going on. It’s days that end as painful as this one that i’m thankful that the feelings of tonight are not the reality of tomorrow. It’s funny to me that I always seem to forget that when I ask the Lord to press me into love that He will actually do it. He’ll actually lead me through the dark and there will be real pain. I seem to forget that He is committed to answering prayer and that it looks and feels a lot different than I feel that it should. The discouragement and heaviness that is trying so desperately to choke the very life and hope from my heart will not succeed. He who fought, wrestled, cried, died, and rose again to have my heart will have all of me and He will have the victory in this battle. Of that I am sure.

When I can find in myself no reach, teach me to lean.

If you have yet to notice, I love words and music. The song that i’ve been listening to is from one of our older Limited Edition CD’s here at the house of prayer. It’s called, “Open Up My Eyes”, by Misty Edwards.

“Guide me with your eyes. Guide me with the flame. Guide me with the light, the light of your eyes, your eyes like a flame. Lead this soul of mine with a steady steady gaze. Lead these feet of mine, ’cause I can’t even see the hand in front of me, I feel as though i’m in the dark. So guide me with your eyes, let me look up and see radiating truth enrapturing me. Every light that shines is a light that burns, guide me with your eyes. I can’t even see my feet, it’s so dark. I can’t even see the step in front of me. Help me God, to look up. I want you to guide me with your light. Guide me with those eyes like a flame of fire, come and guide me with desire. ‘Cause I can’t even see the hand in front of me and my feet can’t be found and this darkness is loud. It’s deafening my soul, so help me look into your eyes of truth. I need truth.”

Looking at you is the only way that I survive.
When I look away I fumble. I trip.
I want to look at You while You look at me.